Everyone Needs to Sacrifice...Except Us

In a Wisconsin forum for civil discourse on the subject of the Wisconsin state budget crisis representatives from the Public Sector Union and People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers gathered to debate the issue.

Steve Morahn, union boss and lawyer for the Public Sector Union of Deadbeat Teachers and Social Services stated that his people deserve better than their private sector counterparts. "We should be able to retire before anyone else... you know, retire at 55 and suck on that big fat pension teat for another 30-35 years during which we provide no goods or service to anyone in the state. I mean, come on... if that's not worth striking for I don't know what is?!"

A representative for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers responded to Morahn with some economic data. "Unfortunately, Mr. Morahn we cannot sustain the model you described and heres why: the state of Wisconsin spends 32 billion per year or $5,714 per person in a state where the per capita income is $25,000 per year. The people of Wisconsin spend 20% of their income on state government, another 20% goes to the federal government and then the local yokels get their 2-3%. All told that leaves the average working stiff with maybe, $15,000 for their families after their public sector mugging."

Morahn wondered at loud how our country survived when we paid only 10% to Caesar. "We refuse to go back... at least not without a fight. I mean the audacity to ask us pay a little more for our Health Care, to contribute to our own retirements. I mean, are you kidding me? What do we look like? Private sector stiffs?! You can see what is at stake for us by those numbers you quoted. Everyone else needs to sacrifice right now. Not us."

White House Proposes "We-Say-What's-Fair Doctrine"

The White House announced today that it would seek regulation of the air ways in an effort to facilitate "civil discourse" and "more balanced content" in radio and TV broadcasts. The new press secretary, Ron Heebahobba stated that the President thought it wasn't fair that conservative talk radio and Faux news were more commercially viable than Smear America (a failed left-wing talk radio) and didn't require tax payer funding like National Liberal Radio in order to survive.

"The President thinks that the American consumer does not know what is good for them or fair. So it is in their best interest for the president to mandate fairness on the airways in the same spirit that he has mandated health care. Just like Health Care Deform, unelected bureaucrats will be in charge of what is "fair" and "balanced," commented Heebahobba.

When asked about the name of the new regulation the new Press Secretary laughed and said, "We were going to package this initiative with the First Lady's anti-obesity campaign and call it the 'Shut up Conservatives and Eat Your Vegetables Campaign' but opted instead for the 'We Say What's Fair Doctrine'.

In the tradition of his predecessor, Heebahobba found himself to be the only one laughing at his joke. "Come on, now," he offered, nervously clearing his throat, "We knew that name wouldn't be very palatable... so we changed it to Fairness. Okay? Everyone wants to be fair right?"

Of Quantitative Sleazing and Greased Pigs

The White House announced today that creating money out of thin air will buy them time to figure out what to do with the economy. "Rather than addressing the behaviors that created this crisis we thought it made more sense politically to play a little kick the can," commented Chairman of the Dred, Ben Piedpiper. "The quickest way to pick up exports and shrink your debt is to fire up the printing press and devalue your currency."

When asked if such a move could spark inflation, the unflappable and exquisitely bearded Piedpiper would only comment that his team was "keeping an eye on the situation".

To celebrate the occasion the White House hosted the First Annual Quantitative Sleazing Party which opened with a ceremonial call from the Chairman of the Dred: "Gentlemen, start your printing presses!" Festivities included bi-partisan games of Kick the Can and Catch the Greased Pig, both of which involved Republicants chasing the can which was always gleefully kicked further down the road by Demonicrats who were being cheered on by the Ogres of Health Care Deform and other Unfunded Liabilities. The Greased Pig's name was Inflation and it became clear that he was uncatchable once released from the pin. Both the Republicants and Demonicrats gave up immediately and began blaming one another (but only when there was a camera around).

Happily, Inflation was finally returned unharmed to her pen by a nefarious crew of political outsiders. They called themselves the Budget Slashers and claimed to be armed only with common sense and backed by the Gold Standard.

San Francisco Judge Finds Inanimate Object Guilty of "Hate Crime"

San Francisco judge, the Honorable Nerf Dogoodily, made legal history today when he found an inanimate object-- a Colt .45-- guilty of a hate crime. A jilted lover of a gay porn star claimed that the gun was evil and had goaded him to murder his ex-lover. "The gun made me do it, Your Honor... and I always had this thing for Charlton Heston which made me want to have a gun. I had to get a gun and when I did this gun started speaking to me, goading me every day to do the crime. Everybody knows that guns are evil but I guess I've always been attracted to the bad boy type."

The teary eyed murderer went on to claim that it got so bad under the spell of the gun that he joined the NRA and started watching Faux News. A sympathetic judge ordered the man to seek counseling but sentenced the Colt .45 to be melted down and the proceeds to be donated to the National "Guns are Evil Coalition".

"We can all rest our heads much easier tonight, knowing that there is one less gun out there on the streets," the Honorable Nerf Dogoodily concluded with a rather tepid tap of his gavel which made him flinch none the less.

"With this legislative victory," crowed the coalition founder, Wayne Schtuphead, "we are going to expand our focus to other n'er-do-well inanimate objects like pencils that are guilty of misspelling words and Oprah's fork which we know for a fact is contributing to her inability to control her eating habits. Our goal is to have all of these evil objects banned for the good of society."

In related news: The Justice Department is "seriously" looking into banning the use of "crosshairs" which Attorney General Eric Doper described as a "hate symbol" quite capable of influencing otherwise law-abiding citizens to acts of violence.

White House: Let's Talk Football!

So with oil prices climbing above 90 dollars a barrel; North and South Korea playing "chicken" with artillery shells; and terrorists threatening the free world over the Christmas holiday; the White House announced today that the President is pleased that the Philadelphia Eagles have given Michael Vick a "second chance" to play quarterback in the National Football League. Dodge Barker, White House spokesman, expressed that the President has been monitoring the Vick situation "very closely" and that he consulted advisors and gave the matter "great thought" before calling the Eagles organization to laude them for their efforts in letting the best player on their team play quarterback and help their team win games. "This is a matter of grave social significance because it provides hope for convicted felons everywhere who also happen to be elite, once in a generation type of athletes. The President was profoundly moved by this story and believes it speaks volumes for the qualities that make our country great," the Press Secretary commented in response to a question from the press on the ramifications of looming state budget crises in California and Illinois on the national economy in 2011.

Barker went on to cite examples in which the President has given "second chances" to people within his own administration despite previous brushes with the law. "Our own Secretary of the Treasury, Keebler Elfman, neglected to pay taxes some time ago and now he is in charge of the IRS and the Department of Treasury. We are no stranger to irony here at the White House," commented the Press Secretary, who himself hailed from rather humble origins, having twice flunked out of clown school before latching on with the President during his community organizer days in Chicago.

One unnamed source close to the White House clown school dropout revealed that the Oval Office likes to redirect public discourse to social issues when confronted with international or economic crises that may require actual leadership. The situation became even more dire, commented the source, when White House counsel informed the President that the statute of limitations for blaming the previous administration for such matters had run out. The source was brought in as an advisor for the "Beer Summit" in which our fearless Commander-In-Chief intervened on a local police matter in the midst of a looming world economic crisis.

"Social issues," the nervous source cited, "are kind of like his binky... he will always go there and attempt to make political hay whether the sun is shining or not... can't say I blame him... he doesn't really know anything about any of that other stuff. I mean, look at his resume. Can you really blame him?"

Republicants and Demonicrats Host Bi-Partisan Pillowfight

In a rare show of political unity, incoming Republicant speaker John-Boy Bohner (pronounced BO-NUR) and outgoing Demonicrat speaker Nona Pazza agreed to host the first annual, bi-partisan changing of the guard pillow fight.

"Before the gavel exchanged hands, we thought it might be fun to get in a few shots on our way out," stated a positively glowing outgoing speaker. "We just ask that our Republicant colleagues allow us to take the first shot."

"This is a way for us to show the American people that we are not afraid to get together with our Demonicrat colleagues and have some good ol' fashion fun," commented a rather freshly bronzed Bohner.

The ceremony started in grand, if somewhat solemn manner, as the stoic faced Republicants marched in step on their way to face their Demonicrat colleagues, most of whom had been seen taking pillow "batting practice" in the days before the ceremony. However, a few Demonicrats were penalized for a false start penalty, after pegging their Republicant colleagues before the conclusion of the Star Spangled Banner. Order was restored and the Demonicrats were penalized an additional 5 seats in the House. The Republicants were soundly whalloped on cue after the pledge of allegiance but the Demonicrats opted to "go for it" on fourth down, taking advantage of a woozy opponent. The outgoing speaker faked handing the gavel over to a dumbfounded Bohnur and scampered down the main aisle, escorted by a rather burly crew of Progressive Democrats who had cleared a path by mowing down conservative Demonicrats and Republicants along the way. Fortunately the day was saved for the Republicants when the outgoing speaker slipped on a discarded copy of the Constitution that had been lying inconspicuouly in the middle of the aisle. The outgoing Speaker lost control of the gavel on her way down, fumbling away the gavel before her knee touched the ground. This provided the only opening the madly pursuing Republicants needed and they recovered the gavel.

The Republicants were so enthralled with their new found toy that they completely forgot about returning the favor to their Demonicrat colleagues. Bohner wasted no time and quickly found a crew of Washington political paparazzi. The new Speaker managed to strike a Heisman pose with the oversized gavel and flashed his pearly whites. An aid later admitted that the new Speaker had been practicing the pose in between tanning sessions after the November elections.

"We almost pulled it off," commented a resigned but proud outgoing Speaker. "You know, it wasn't the Republicants who stopped us... those clowns could screw up a wet dream. Really, we had it made if it wasn't for that damn Constitution. The damn Constitution. I mean, what the hell is a copy of the Constitution doing in the Halls of Congress?!"

"Never Let a Good Crisis Go to Waste" Runs for Mayor

Rahm Schlekt, native son of Chicago and former White House advisor extraordinaire, is running for Mayor of Chicago. Rahm has built a sterling reputation for using crises as an excuse to expand government power at the expense of productive people in American Society. Regulators and other bureaucrats who produce nothing and specialize in telling productive citizens how they are to go about their business and how they are to live and die in a compliant fashion, are simply ecstatic about the news. Ron Medler, a lifetime bureaucrat who has served his government masters well in numerous state and federal regulator roles over the years looks forward to leaving Washington to head back to sweet home Chicago. "Wherever Rahm goes new regulation flows," crooned Medler who accidentally drooled on himself during the interview. "Imagine the possibilities with Rahm as Mayor of a City with the central command and control political infrastructure already in place! This is a perfect microcosm in which we can work and really build an empire for the people!"

Medler cited some classic examples of Rahm's work in which a crisis, sometimes real and sometimes manufactured, resulted in an expansion of government power into the lives of every day people. "While the drilling moratorium after the Gulf Oil Spill put an enormous number of American petroleum workers out of work, business was booming for us regulators and our lawyer friends... and not to mention our friend and benefactor Jorge Greedos and his foreign off-shore drilling interests. Boy did he throw one hell of party for us in DC before it was all said and done! Rahm always told us, 'never let a good crisis go to waste!' What a leader!"

Medler went on to credit his Government Master for having the ability to gin up a crisis even when there was not one by any objective measure. "The Health Care Deform law is his masterpiece! I mean take a look at our health care system before it was passed-- people with no means had Medicaid; seniors had Medicare; and people use to fly in from all over the world to have advanced procedures done; a majority of the world's new medicine and procedures were developed here! And we took the whole thing down in one fell swoop! We took the whole thing down with a 10,000 page document that a majority of legislators didn't even read! Rahm used to call our legislators his 'useful idiots'. Boy, he wasn't kidding was he?"

When Medler was asked if he considered himself to be one of Rahm's most useful idiots he became emotional. "Why... yes... Yes I am. Yes I am," Medler said, brushing away a tear.