Racial Tourette's Syndrome Strikes Washington

Former White House physician Dirk Digglerstein published an alarming medical article that describes a new, contagious mental disorder that has emerged in Washington which he coined-- Racial Tourette's Syndrome. Digglerstein describes the hallmark characteristics of this disorder as "an irrational urge to scream racism or call an opponent racist when someone or an entity disagrees with the policy of the president or the Demonicrat party." The doctor goes on to say that "this syndrome becomes worse as the politician is confronted with facts or logic that debunk a failed policy, or worse yet, may shed light on their history of poor performance. When confronted in this manner the politician feels cornered and tends to panic, resorting to the tried but true technique of introducing a complete non-sequitor like racism into the discussion."

He goes on to describe in more detail the spread of this malady: "This peculiar condition is not limited to politicians but has also taken root in journalism and is rampant among the hollywood elite." Digglerstein went on to cite Janine Moronalo's inane reference to black conservatives suffering from "Stockholm Syndrome" when confronted with their opposition to government spending as a case in point. He also cited MSLSD journalist Keith Uberstupid's incessant, frothing-at-the-mouth rants against the alleged "racist undercurrent" behind any and all tea party activities as another example of this phenomenon. "At it's worse," according to the doctor, "this disorder creates a paranoid state where an imagined enemy perpetrates racist acts that have little or no basis in reality. " Dr. Digglerstein cited the example of the alleged racial epithets being cast at Demonicrat lawmakers as they walked in to cast their votes on Healthcare. "I'm certain in their minds these things happened," the doctor commented, "but there is no evidence to support their claims despite the fact that it was a well recorded event. Sadly, such paranoid delusions are the hallmark symptoms of this disorder."

"We may have reached our darkest hour when Faux News was accused by former Demonicrat Party Leader, Howard Duntz, of being racist for jumping the gun on the Shirley Nimrod story. When confronted by reporter Wallace Christopher with the fact that the White House had fired her before the news agency had run anything on the story, Howard merely ramped up the vitriol before running madly from the room calling for his binky."

Doctor Digglerstein also cited an internal memo from Demonicrat strategist extraordinaire, James Crassville, as another factor in the recent growth of this disorder. Crassville pushed this method out to his rank and file: "As bailouts fail to create jobs and crazed federal spending swells our deficits to astronomical levels it is critical to remember that if you find yourself in situations where you can't duck or dodge the facts... then the next step is to demonize your opponent as a bunch of hate mongering racists. If that fails to win the day-- repeat. Do whatever it takes not to talk about our performance in regard to unemployment nor our take-over of healthcare; nor should you talk about how we forced the taxpayer to pay for failed businesses and banks; nor should you talk about the economic implications of the pending expiration of the Babushka tax cuts. Anyone who asks you about these issues in any substantial way is an ardent racist."

When asked what treatment exists to remedy this disorder Digglerstein offered this one word answer-- elections.

"I used to work for them," he said, shaking his head sadly, "but they are too far gone to help. Trust me, the best treatment for them would be to take them away from the endless supply of other people's money. I think if they were forced to try and run a business in the economic environment that they created then their prognosis for recovery would be greatly improved."

Partner-Assisted Breathing Legislation Proposed

White House spokesman Dodge Barker announced a bold new plan to address an emerging health crisis that appears, at least by initial estimates, to be isolated to government bureaucrats in the Washington area. Specifically this malaise seems to be concentrated on government officials and bureaucrats who were exposed to the prospects of actually having to come up with a plan to address the oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. This fear is compounded by impending accountability that would come with such action. This situation is further complicated by a pre-existing medical condition known to afflict politicians and government bureaucrats in disproportionately high numbers-- a severe allergy to accountability. "The problem," one physician stated on the condition of anonymity, "is that these patients tend to self medicate with scape goatism and denial. Sometimes when it gets really bad and the patient runs out of people or corporations to blame and it is actually time for the patient to actually do something... they panic, and in some cases have been known to run screaming from press conferences with their hands in the air."

The White House immediately denied these allegations, blaming this behavior on a rare but highly contagious virus that "doubtlessly has links to the previous administration and is characterized by an irrational urge to take vacation, attend theatrical and musical events put on by has-beens, and lately has been punctuated with a tendency to talk loudly and carry a small stick."

When questioned on the specifics of this avoidance behavior, Dodge deferred to White House physician and Minister of Disinformation, Hippocrates Inverticus, who cited numerous cases of senior officials departing for vacation after having learned of the oil spill, choosing to attend musical and theatrical concerts (behavior deemed bizarre by even the most partisan of political hacks) and one staffer who ran madly onto the White House lawn to chase butterflies after being asked to "do something about those damn oil-slicked birds."

Inverticus described the situation as "very grave... one that requires immediate medical attention."He went on to beseech the public to "Understand that many of these bureaucrats have pre-existing conditions of laboraphobia and blamophilic tendencies that paralyze them in times of duress... this stress can lead to oxygen deprivation which causes the brain to short circuit which then leads to an overstimulation of the synapses that may propel them to seek comfort. Also, one must keep in mind that a majority of these people have never run so much as a lemonade stand in their entire life so... one can imagine how difficult it must be for them to take on the greatest ecologic disaster in American history."

He went on to describe the affliction in more layman's terms as a kind of "Snickers Moment" but on a much larger scale. This lead to uproarious laughter from the gallery which was immediately quelled by way of tazer from a trigger happy secret service understudy who mistook the laughter as hate speech.

Dodge Barker unceremoniously bumped the good doctor off the podium and took over the microphone. "This is why the President is asking Congress to pass Emergency Legislation called the Partner Assisted Breathing Act which will ensure that all bureaucrats incapable of taking accountability or taking action will have emergency personnel following them at all times to provide oxygen... mouth to mouth if necessary, at a moments notice. This is the only treatment that has been validated... we really have no other choice."

Barker went on to describe that a new Department of Oxygen Transfer Engineers will be created in order to meet this demand and for the secondary purpose of establishing the proper infrastructure should the virus continue to spread. Barker also cited that this new department would "create" thousands of new jobs, especially for Census workers who might be on Starbuck's sabbatical. "This administration will do everything in it's power to address this crisis, we will leave no rock unturned," concluded Barker.

Intrepid, soon to be retiring journalist Judy Hadur, was given the first and only question of the news conference. "If the Israeli's would just give up Palestine wouldn't we be out of this mess?"

Dr. Inverticus reclaimed the podium from a slack-jawed Barker and proclaimed a medical emergency, citing that the virus had spread to the press corps and that Ms. Hadur would be the first benefactor of the Partner Assisted Breathing Legislation.

Oxygen Takes on Carbon

Legal representation from the element Oxygen has filed a class-action lawsuit against Carbon, claiming it has been unfairly left out of pending Cap and Trade legislation. "Why should a greenhouse gas that is bad for the environment gain exclusivity in the pending climate legislation?" postulated Oxygen's lawyer, Dufus R. Schmuckman. "Is there any more important element than oxygen? The entire planet depends on my client and we feel that our clients elemental rights have been violated. It's down right discrimination. Everyone knows that Chicago is a "carbon" town."

Carbon spokesman Alberto Gorleone, fresh off a 3 martini lunch with enterprising enviro politicos, laughed off the lawsuit, "Oxygen is known for inflammatory rhetoric that is not backed up with facts. Besides, everyone knows that oxygen is overrated and often totally dependent on other elements like hydrogen. My client is the building block of the universe which makes it the logical choice upon which to build an environmental racquet-er, legislation... well, you know what I mean."

Schmuckman later countered that Oxygen would not go away so easily with this ominous warning, "We can prove that this legislation was totally biased against Oxygen from day one. Our investigational probe will reveal that a majority of the legislators have been convicted in the past of various Oxygen-related thefts which clearly prejudiced them against our client."

Gorleone described these accusations as "outrageous" and "mean-spirited". He closed with somewhat melodramatic sigh, "You know it is really sad that it has come to this... calling the honorable body of environmental reform leaders-- oxygen thieves. The nerve of these people!"

Nero Rosins Up His Fiddle

In times like these one should never underestimate the need to unwind... to rosin up the fiddle, load the kids up in Air Force Fun and head over to Chicago for Memorial Day Weekend. Really, it is a perfect time to send your second-- his Native American name is "He -Who-Often-Needs-To-Remove-Foot-From-Mouth"-- to take care of such tiresome ceremonies like laying a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and playing breakfast host to grieving families whose loved ones paid the ultimate price for protecting the freedom of a wide range of American Ingrates, most of whom have no idea why they don't have to go to work on Monday. Far be it to let such things as the greatest ecologic disaster of the modern era; impending war in Korea; economic chaos in Europe; or the sucking chest wound otherwise known as our southern border to crimp your style.

Now is the time to shoot hoops with a cross dressing, sometimes biting sports journalist and to squeeze in a Paul McCartney concert before you start addressing nagging questions like: "What is your plan to address the never ending oil spill?" or "Does it make sense to send in a boy to do a man's job on the border?" or "Who is lying... you or the guy who beat the Dead-Man-Walking (otherwise known as the Crypt Keeper on Friday Fright Night)?". You see that is exactly what "holidays" are made for... to decompress from such pesky ordeals, to rosin up the fiddle, maybe catch a flick, or better yet, just pretend for a few days that everything is going to be alright. Maybe, if this was a "holiday", it would not be a big deal. But last I checked, there is no caroling on Memorial Day, this is a solemn day of remembrance, a time to reflect, a time to grieve, a time, just maybe... to pay Respect.

Mexican Standoff

In a panicked effort to put out a five-alarm fire on our border, our confused friend from Mexico mistakenly applied gasoline today. Normally this results in a quick flare up that serves more to startle and perhaps to singe eye brows than anything else. Such an act typically flames out quickly and does not alter the course of the burning. Unfortunately in this case, with the House of Cards in attendance, a few equally disturbed but well meaning idiots joined in the fray, fanning the flames with applause, cheering the Disgrace, fomenting the Discord.

The problem of course, is that the Gift Horse was spooked in the process-- having been looked in the mouth one too many times over the past decade. This docile creature is responsible for planting and harvesting the fields of the American economy. Typically, The Gift Horse would rather peacefully chew on its cud, paying no heed to her Government Master's perpetual encroachment on the Harvest. Normally she would head back to the field more determined than ever to do a better job with less. But this time She looks to be more than a little spooked. Perhaps The Gift Horse, (otherwise known as the American Tax Payer) may actually bite back this time! You see, the weight of plow has tripled during the course of the past 2 years, leaving her stuck in a quagmire of debt and unfunded mandates, while the field of Opportunity has been left Fallow.

Yet all the while, her Government Master wildly and desperately spurs her on-- madly cracking its whip while adding to the weight of her plow, picking up slackers from Mexico and Greece along the way. "Why aren't we getting ANYWHERE?" he cries out, shaking a fist at the sky. For a moment there is a pause. The Gift Horse's frantic struggle to pull the plow comes to a sudden halt. The Gift Horse, for the first time in 150 years, actually stops working and looks its Master in the Eye.

The Master, startled and frightened by this development, sends out a well placed lash on the Gift Horse's back. She doesn't flinch, her hide having been toughened and calloused by the abuse. She no longer felt the sting of the whip.

"Racist!" screamed the panicking Master, redoubling his efforts.

Still nothing from the Horse.

"Hate monger!" he cried. Now it was the master who found himself foaming at the mouth. But still nothing from the Horse who was looking back with an almost quizzical expression. The Gallery that had been assembled on the plow began to echo their Master's cries. And what a motley crew indeed! It was comprised of politicians of all ilk-- people that believe themselves to be Journalists; Union Bosses and an alphabet soup of failed Insurance companies, Bankers, Automakers; and two morbidly obese mortgage loan sharks innocuously named Jack and Jill. They were alternately pleading with and insulting the Gift Horse but again to no avail.

Finally, in a rare moment of leadership, the Master gathered himself, wiped his sweaty brow and motioned for the Gallery to be silent and then turned back to address the horse. "Can't we work something out? For the benefit of the Children? For the Poor and Oppressed? What about the innocent Victims of Capitalism? For the Listless, the Uninspired, and the Incompetent? Now is not the time to neglect your Patriotic Duty! Come now... what say you?"

The Gift Horse noticed that his Master had relaxed his grip on the reigns during the excitement and took the opportunity to spit the bit from her mouth. Liberated from her bit, She took a moment to enjoy her Freedom and carefully assessed her Master and the Motley Crew that she had been dragging along.

"This," she said, "is not what I signed up for."

Why Freedom Sucks but Enabling Bad Behavior Sucks even more.

Here we are, some 200 plus years after our founding, running madly away from our divine birthrights of liberty and freedom. Like lemmings on the tundra, we are running ourselves off a cliff, headlong into the arms of a nanny state. The problem is, for anyone who knows anything about lemmings, the outcome of such behavior is suicide. One only has to look at Charles Schultz's Peanuts to see that the nanny state is like Lucy and we, the tax paying citizens of America, are like Charlie Brown, being lead on to believe we can kick the ball only to have it pulled back at the last second. Some of the questions that beg to be asked are "Why are we doing this?" and "How have we devolved into a species of spooked lemmings scrambling about the tundra?" If freedom and liberty are so great than why does she find herself surrounded on all sides by enemies? Why do we suddenly find ourselves defending free enterprise and capitalism in general?

The problem with freedom and liberty in general, is the A-word. Accountability is great when we succeed but avoided at all costs when we (you will have to excuse me for using the f-word) fail. Because we are a decent people who truly don't want our fellow Americans to fail we are deeply offended by poverty in the Land of Opportunity. We have justifiably taken steps over the years to ameliorate these issues with government programs-- social security, medicaid and medicare to name a few. The intent of all such programs is to help those who are unable to help themselves. The problem is that these programs have expanded to include helping those who are able yet unwilling to help themselves.

The problem with protecting people from failure is that doing so only serves to enable behavior that is clearly not working. Why stop failing if the check keeps coming in the mail? The easy answer is to vote for politicians who protect and subsidize our bad behavior, who bring home the pork and demonize productive people along the way. That is so much easier than confronting our own behavior and choices that have lead to our demise. If opportunity is the carrot which guides our behavior to greatness than failure is the stick by which we are influenced to change course until we get it right. But doing that sounds like hard work and hard work, for lack of a better word to describe it, sucks.

But there is good news for those of us not making the cut, who are content to wallow in suckdom-- a new plantation is being built on the ashes of the old home of the brave. The new elite on this plantation are Those Who Can't and Those Who Won't do anything to better themselves. They are joined by strange bed fellows-- Big Labor, Government and Teacher Unions which, if you really think about it, have produced contrarian results in their sectors. Modern Labor and Teachers Union bosses have been committed to ensuring that workers get paid more for producing a lower quality product over time. They have made slow but steady progress on this front over the years. Not sure about this? The first $2,000 or so that you pay for a new GM car actually pays for entitlements of workers who no longer make cars. Not to be outdone, as the rest of world is running past America in education despite record amounts of tax dollars being flushed into the black hole otherwise known as the Department of Education-- we are successfully teaching 6th graders how to put condoms on bananas.

Ah, your tax dollar at work! How is this possible you wonder? What entity is responsible for enabling such stupidity? There is an elite class of citizens who specialize in managing (some might use the word manipulating) Those Who Can't and Those Who Won't. They are the new Masters of the Plantation, the Grand Enablers who are ushering us into a new era of social justice and equality. Who are these men and women who are leading us into a Golden Age where money grows on trees, Einstein's theory of relativity is suddenly reversed-- a place where it is actually possible to get something from nothing?! These magicians (also known in some circles as the Grand Enablers) are primarily composed of politicians, academics and policy wonks. They have been hard at work over the years to overturn the "broken" system in America, which, ironically, has also been the envy of the world. Not bad for a "broken" system, eh? Their intentions are as pure as the driven snow. They speak in such glowing platitudes-- "Hope and Change" and pass legislation that sounds great like "No Child Left Behind" and "Health Care Reform". These people, most of whom have never run so much as a lemonade stand, are now preparing to draft legislation to tell businesses and investment firms how to do business.

Yet none of this is possible without the last and most necessary element of their new plantation --The Slaves. Who are the slaves of the new government plantation? They are those mindless drones who mono-maniacly get up and go to work each day, who stick around to raise their children (having slipped their minds to exercise their right to abort those pesky little rug rats when they had the chance) and most importantly, who pay their taxes. In their pathetic drive to make a better life for themselves, their family and their community they tend to increase their earnings over time, doubtlessly exploiting poor people as they go along. Often they exploit these poor people by hiring them to do work that is beneath their dignity. They are too busy working, cutting their grass and running their children to soccer practices to notice that they spend 5 months a year subsidizing Those Who Can't, Those Who Won't and The Grand Enablers. For a few breathless moments each evening they may read a headline or see something on the news ticker like "Health Care Reform" passed or "Immigration Reform" proposed. "That sounds nice," they say to themselves before drifting off to sleep.