San Francisco Judge Finds Inanimate Object Guilty of "Hate Crime"

San Francisco judge, the Honorable Nerf Dogoodily, made legal history today when he found an inanimate object-- a Colt .45-- guilty of a hate crime. A jilted lover of a gay porn star claimed that the gun was evil and had goaded him to murder his ex-lover. "The gun made me do it, Your Honor... and I always had this thing for Charlton Heston which made me want to have a gun. I had to get a gun and when I did this gun started speaking to me, goading me every day to do the crime. Everybody knows that guns are evil but I guess I've always been attracted to the bad boy type."

The teary eyed murderer went on to claim that it got so bad under the spell of the gun that he joined the NRA and started watching Faux News. A sympathetic judge ordered the man to seek counseling but sentenced the Colt .45 to be melted down and the proceeds to be donated to the National "Guns are Evil Coalition".

"We can all rest our heads much easier tonight, knowing that there is one less gun out there on the streets," the Honorable Nerf Dogoodily concluded with a rather tepid tap of his gavel which made him flinch none the less.

"With this legislative victory," crowed the coalition founder, Wayne Schtuphead, "we are going to expand our focus to other n'er-do-well inanimate objects like pencils that are guilty of misspelling words and Oprah's fork which we know for a fact is contributing to her inability to control her eating habits. Our goal is to have all of these evil objects banned for the good of society."

In related news: The Justice Department is "seriously" looking into banning the use of "crosshairs" which Attorney General Eric Doper described as a "hate symbol" quite capable of influencing otherwise law-abiding citizens to acts of violence.

White House: Let's Talk Football!

So with oil prices climbing above 90 dollars a barrel; North and South Korea playing "chicken" with artillery shells; and terrorists threatening the free world over the Christmas holiday; the White House announced today that the President is pleased that the Philadelphia Eagles have given Michael Vick a "second chance" to play quarterback in the National Football League. Dodge Barker, White House spokesman, expressed that the President has been monitoring the Vick situation "very closely" and that he consulted advisors and gave the matter "great thought" before calling the Eagles organization to laude them for their efforts in letting the best player on their team play quarterback and help their team win games. "This is a matter of grave social significance because it provides hope for convicted felons everywhere who also happen to be elite, once in a generation type of athletes. The President was profoundly moved by this story and believes it speaks volumes for the qualities that make our country great," the Press Secretary commented in response to a question from the press on the ramifications of looming state budget crises in California and Illinois on the national economy in 2011.

Barker went on to cite examples in which the President has given "second chances" to people within his own administration despite previous brushes with the law. "Our own Secretary of the Treasury, Keebler Elfman, neglected to pay taxes some time ago and now he is in charge of the IRS and the Department of Treasury. We are no stranger to irony here at the White House," commented the Press Secretary, who himself hailed from rather humble origins, having twice flunked out of clown school before latching on with the President during his community organizer days in Chicago.

One unnamed source close to the White House clown school dropout revealed that the Oval Office likes to redirect public discourse to social issues when confronted with international or economic crises that may require actual leadership. The situation became even more dire, commented the source, when White House counsel informed the President that the statute of limitations for blaming the previous administration for such matters had run out. The source was brought in as an advisor for the "Beer Summit" in which our fearless Commander-In-Chief intervened on a local police matter in the midst of a looming world economic crisis.

"Social issues," the nervous source cited, "are kind of like his binky... he will always go there and attempt to make political hay whether the sun is shining or not... can't say I blame him... he doesn't really know anything about any of that other stuff. I mean, look at his resume. Can you really blame him?"

Republicants and Demonicrats Host Bi-Partisan Pillowfight

In a rare show of political unity, incoming Republicant speaker John-Boy Bohner (pronounced BO-NUR) and outgoing Demonicrat speaker Nona Pazza agreed to host the first annual, bi-partisan changing of the guard pillow fight.

"Before the gavel exchanged hands, we thought it might be fun to get in a few shots on our way out," stated a positively glowing outgoing speaker. "We just ask that our Republicant colleagues allow us to take the first shot."

"This is a way for us to show the American people that we are not afraid to get together with our Demonicrat colleagues and have some good ol' fashion fun," commented a rather freshly bronzed Bohner.

The ceremony started in grand, if somewhat solemn manner, as the stoic faced Republicants marched in step on their way to face their Demonicrat colleagues, most of whom had been seen taking pillow "batting practice" in the days before the ceremony. However, a few Demonicrats were penalized for a false start penalty, after pegging their Republicant colleagues before the conclusion of the Star Spangled Banner. Order was restored and the Demonicrats were penalized an additional 5 seats in the House. The Republicants were soundly whalloped on cue after the pledge of allegiance but the Demonicrats opted to "go for it" on fourth down, taking advantage of a woozy opponent. The outgoing speaker faked handing the gavel over to a dumbfounded Bohnur and scampered down the main aisle, escorted by a rather burly crew of Progressive Democrats who had cleared a path by mowing down conservative Demonicrats and Republicants along the way. Fortunately the day was saved for the Republicants when the outgoing speaker slipped on a discarded copy of the Constitution that had been lying inconspicuouly in the middle of the aisle. The outgoing Speaker lost control of the gavel on her way down, fumbling away the gavel before her knee touched the ground. This provided the only opening the madly pursuing Republicants needed and they recovered the gavel.

The Republicants were so enthralled with their new found toy that they completely forgot about returning the favor to their Demonicrat colleagues. Bohner wasted no time and quickly found a crew of Washington political paparazzi. The new Speaker managed to strike a Heisman pose with the oversized gavel and flashed his pearly whites. An aid later admitted that the new Speaker had been practicing the pose in between tanning sessions after the November elections.

"We almost pulled it off," commented a resigned but proud outgoing Speaker. "You know, it wasn't the Republicants who stopped us... those clowns could screw up a wet dream. Really, we had it made if it wasn't for that damn Constitution. The damn Constitution. I mean, what the hell is a copy of the Constitution doing in the Halls of Congress?!"

"Never Let a Good Crisis Go to Waste" Runs for Mayor

Rahm Schlekt, native son of Chicago and former White House advisor extraordinaire, is running for Mayor of Chicago. Rahm has built a sterling reputation for using crises as an excuse to expand government power at the expense of productive people in American Society. Regulators and other bureaucrats who produce nothing and specialize in telling productive citizens how they are to go about their business and how they are to live and die in a compliant fashion, are simply ecstatic about the news. Ron Medler, a lifetime bureaucrat who has served his government masters well in numerous state and federal regulator roles over the years looks forward to leaving Washington to head back to sweet home Chicago. "Wherever Rahm goes new regulation flows," crooned Medler who accidentally drooled on himself during the interview. "Imagine the possibilities with Rahm as Mayor of a City with the central command and control political infrastructure already in place! This is a perfect microcosm in which we can work and really build an empire for the people!"

Medler cited some classic examples of Rahm's work in which a crisis, sometimes real and sometimes manufactured, resulted in an expansion of government power into the lives of every day people. "While the drilling moratorium after the Gulf Oil Spill put an enormous number of American petroleum workers out of work, business was booming for us regulators and our lawyer friends... and not to mention our friend and benefactor Jorge Greedos and his foreign off-shore drilling interests. Boy did he throw one hell of party for us in DC before it was all said and done! Rahm always told us, 'never let a good crisis go to waste!' What a leader!"

Medler went on to credit his Government Master for having the ability to gin up a crisis even when there was not one by any objective measure. "The Health Care Deform law is his masterpiece! I mean take a look at our health care system before it was passed-- people with no means had Medicaid; seniors had Medicare; and people use to fly in from all over the world to have advanced procedures done; a majority of the world's new medicine and procedures were developed here! And we took the whole thing down in one fell swoop! We took the whole thing down with a 10,000 page document that a majority of legislators didn't even read! Rahm used to call our legislators his 'useful idiots'. Boy, he wasn't kidding was he?"

When Medler was asked if he considered himself to be one of Rahm's most useful idiots he became emotional. "Why... yes... Yes I am. Yes I am," Medler said, brushing away a tear.

National Prussian Radio Fires Journalist for Admitting He Has An Irrational Fear of Mimes

Spokeswoman for tax payer supported National Prussian Radio, Olga Von Phallisenvy, announced today that the news organization terminated the contract of their only journalist of any substance whatsoever, for admitting that he has an irrational fear of "openly practicing" mimes.

"It just freaks me out," the journalist commented while on a rival news network with an actual viewership that extends beyond friends and relatives. "I find them totally creepy and feel particularly threatened by them in confined spaces like airplanes... they also seem to innately sense my discomfort and have a tendency to direct their miming activities toward me. I know there are good, devout mimes out there but I still get a little panicked anytime I see one."

Ms. Phallisenvy cited that the disgraced journalist violated journalistic ethics by subjecting the audience to an opinion that a majority of NPR viewers did not share. "Juan Veritas no longer meets the standards of our organization. His comments were bigoted and targeted an oppressed minority unable to verbally defend themselves from his hate speech."

In a touching show of solidarity, John Wierdow, PhD and Professor Emeritus from the Harvard School of Mimes, attended the press conference with Ms. Phallysenvy. When asked if he had a response to Juan Veritas comments the mime had nothing to say, offering only a rather sheepish one-fingered salute.

President's Approval Rating Soars Amongst Self-Described "Deadbeats"

Despite a consistent trend of sliding poll numbers among "likely voters", a cautiously optimistic White House cited a new poll conducted by Rasputin that showed the president's popularity is growing amongst an emerging class of people who described themselves as "deadbeats" and/or "losers".

"This is an important demographic for us," commented Demonicrat strategist James Crassville on a Sunday morning talk show that a few of his family members may have been watching. "With unemployment making a run to 10% there is an emerging, often unaccounted for group of people who are not included in these numbers. It is people who have either given up looking for work, don't want to work, or who have never worked despite being of able mind and body. The president enjoys a commanding 98% approval rating in this group."

When asked whether this emerging demographic could be counted on coming out in the upcoming elections Crassville was guardedly optimistic. "All this Tea Party talk about accountability, responsibility and reigning in government spending has really scared this particular group of the President's supporters. They are terrified at the prospects of having to do something with their lives... much less having to go out and find a job. A group of concerned lawyers from NYU have helped them form the new "Something for Nothing" PAC. The Center for American Regress is providing financial support and get out to vote campaigns to get this thing going."

In related news... Drug addicts, convicted felons, illegal aliens, pedophiles and mouth breathers also overwhelmingly supported the President and his policies in the same Rasputin poll.

Washington Launches New Department of Prosperity Prevention

Under intense political pressure from the far left, the White House agreed to take on the people it deemed "least affected by the recession"-- those fortunate and privileged citizens who make $250,000 a year. The goal, according to White House spokesman Dodge Barker, is to encourage young and emerging capitalists to set their sights lower, to be happy with less, to exploit fewer people by not expanding their businesses and hiring more workers."

The administration is striving for ways to "soften the blow" of the soon to expire Babushka tax cuts which they say will only affect those obnoxiously rich bastards that make over $250,000 a year. "We feel that is one way that we can expand the middle class," surmised Secretary of the Treasury Keebler Elfman, "by bringing the filthy rich down to more appropriate, middle class levels of income. We will offer these emerging entrepreneurs the option to forsake their $250,000 a year jobs to work for the new Department of Prosperity Prevention where they will pull down $100,000 a year but can retire at 55 while pulling in $70,000 a year in government pension. If you do the math, it really is a better deal over the long haul." Unemployed census workers would provide "boots on the ground" and the new agency would work closely with the Internal Pillaging Service.

When asked how the administration would account for the tax revenue shortfall that would result from such a large migration to lower tax brackets, Elfman, after an uncomfortably long pause, asked "Uhm,... how 'bout them Yankees?"

Dodge Barker took over the microphone and commented that the new Health Care Deform Legislation would provide "new revenue streams" by imposing draconian taxes on employers who had the audacity to offer their employees "cadillac" health plans that were "unfairly superior" to the plan offered by the government. When asked to provide more rationale on why evil, rich employers would be punished for providing superior health care to their employees Dodge laughed it off saying, "Besides, nobody likes a show-off."

In related news, the Language Czar announced that it is possible for the word "up" to be defined as "down" and vice versa. Additionally, the Math Czar proclaimed that one plus one could equal 3 under "appropriate economic conditions".