Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Partner-Assisted Breathing Legislation Proposed

White House spokesman Dodge Barker announced a bold new plan to address an emerging health crisis that appears, at least by initial estimates, to be isolated to government bureaucrats in the Washington area. Specifically this malaise seems to be concentrated on government officials and bureaucrats who were exposed to the prospects of actually having to come up with a plan to address the oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. This fear is compounded by impending accountability that would come with such action. This situation is further complicated by a pre-existing medical condition known to afflict politicians and government bureaucrats in disproportionately high numbers-- a severe allergy to accountability. "The problem," one physician stated on the condition of anonymity, "is that these patients tend to self medicate with scape goatism and denial. Sometimes when it gets really bad and the patient runs out of people or corporations to blame and it is actually time for the patient to actually do something... they panic, and in some cases have been known to run screaming from press conferences with their hands in the air."

The White House immediately denied these allegations, blaming this behavior on a rare but highly contagious virus that "doubtlessly has links to the previous administration and is characterized by an irrational urge to take vacation, attend theatrical and musical events put on by has-beens, and lately has been punctuated with a tendency to talk loudly and carry a small stick."

When questioned on the specifics of this avoidance behavior, Dodge deferred to White House physician and Minister of Disinformation, Hippocrates Inverticus, who cited numerous cases of senior officials departing for vacation after having learned of the oil spill, choosing to attend musical and theatrical concerts (behavior deemed bizarre by even the most partisan of political hacks) and one staffer who ran madly onto the White House lawn to chase butterflies after being asked to "do something about those damn oil-slicked birds."

Inverticus described the situation as "very grave... one that requires immediate medical attention."He went on to beseech the public to "Understand that many of these bureaucrats have pre-existing conditions of laboraphobia and blamophilic tendencies that paralyze them in times of duress... this stress can lead to oxygen deprivation which causes the brain to short circuit which then leads to an overstimulation of the synapses that may propel them to seek comfort. Also, one must keep in mind that a majority of these people have never run so much as a lemonade stand in their entire life so... one can imagine how difficult it must be for them to take on the greatest ecologic disaster in American history."

He went on to describe the affliction in more layman's terms as a kind of "Snickers Moment" but on a much larger scale. This lead to uproarious laughter from the gallery which was immediately quelled by way of tazer from a trigger happy secret service understudy who mistook the laughter as hate speech.

Dodge Barker unceremoniously bumped the good doctor off the podium and took over the microphone. "This is why the President is asking Congress to pass Emergency Legislation called the Partner Assisted Breathing Act which will ensure that all bureaucrats incapable of taking accountability or taking action will have emergency personnel following them at all times to provide oxygen... mouth to mouth if necessary, at a moments notice. This is the only treatment that has been validated... we really have no other choice."

Barker went on to describe that a new Department of Oxygen Transfer Engineers will be created in order to meet this demand and for the secondary purpose of establishing the proper infrastructure should the virus continue to spread. Barker also cited that this new department would "create" thousands of new jobs, especially for Census workers who might be on Starbuck's sabbatical. "This administration will do everything in it's power to address this crisis, we will leave no rock unturned," concluded Barker.
Intrepid, soon to be retiring journalist Judy Hadur, was given the first and only question of the news conference. "If the Israeli's would just give up Palestine wouldn't we be out of this mess?"

Dr. Inverticus reclaimed the podium from a slack-jawed Barker and proclaimed a medical emergency, citing that the virus had spread to the press corps and that Ms. Hadur would be the first benefactor of the Partner Assisted Breathing Legislation.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Oxygen Takes on Carbon

Legal representation from the element Oxygen has filed a class-action lawsuit against Carbon, claiming it has been unfairly left out of pending Cap and Trade legislation. "Why should a greenhouse gas that is bad for the environment gain exclusivity in the pending climate legislation?" postulated Oxygen's lawyer, Dufus R. Schmuckman. "Is there any more important element than oxygen? The entire planet depends on my client and we feel that our clients elemental rights have been violated. It's down right discrimination. Everyone knows that Chicago is a "carbon" town."
Carbon spokesman Alberto Gorleone, fresh off a 3 martini lunch with enterprising enviro politicos, laughed off the lawsuit, "Oxygen is known for inflammatory rhetoric that is not backed up with facts. Besides, everyone knows that oxygen is overrated and often totally dependent on other elements like hydrogen. My client is the building block of the universe which makes it the logical choice upon which to build an environmental racquet-er, legislation... well, you know what I mean."
Schmuckman later countered that Oxygen would not go away so easily with this ominous warning, "We can prove that this legislation was totally biased against Oxygen from day one. Our investigational probe will reveal that a majority of the legislators have been convicted in the past of various Oxygen-related thefts which clearly prejudiced them against our client."
Gorleone described these accusations as "outrageous" and "mean-spirited". He closed with somewhat melodramatic sigh, "You know it is really sad that it has come to this... calling the honorable body of environmental reform leaders-- oxygen thieves. The nerve of these people!"