Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Multiple Politicians Injured Patting Themselves on the Back After Debt Deal Signed into Law

A rash of politicians suffered athletic related injuries today after the President signed the debt deal into law. Most of the injuries were self inflicted according to Caucasian House physician, Sten Johanson, who was quick to point out that the injuries appeared to be curiously bi-partisan in nature. "These injuries were the result of excessive self-congratulatory activity, known in layman's terms as 'patting oneself on the back'".
Many of the politicians had sports related alibis, including the President himself, who claimed he had injured his elbow shooting hoops. The Speaker admitted he "tweaked a hammy" sprinting to the microphone following the President's speech although one staffer sheepishly admitted that the Speaker had originally injured the hamstring trying to "distance himself" from the Tea Party conservatives earlier in the week.
The Majority Whip claimed he injured his elbow trying to "scratch an itch" on the middle of his back. This alibi enjoyed bi-partisan support as politicians from both parties released statements claiming to have injured themselves trying to scratch an itch on their respective backs.
Caucasian House Spokesman, Jay Cornhole, confronted a skeptical press corps on this subject. "None of the injuries were severe, fortunately, and we believe this is another good sign that both sides can come together and form a consensus."

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Of Debt Ceilings and National Imbecilic Health Research

Caucasian House Spokesman, Jay Cornhole, warned that any further delays in a debt ceiling increase might threaten important programs underway in health and human services. Cornhole cited that many important studies being conducted by the National Imbecilic Health Research Institute would be at risk of being defunded if an agreement was not reached soon.
"The Institute is nearing conclusion on a ground breaking study with lesbian dolphins and we are waiting with breath abated on the results of 90 million dollars worth of research given to the Chinese on a parasite that affects water buffalos in Asia."
When asked how such research would benefit American citizens Cornhole became irritated, "Parasites are an international problem which affect Americans too... and besides... we owe them a lot of money. I mean a lot of money. And we're going to owe them a lot more after the debt ceiling is raised. Now, do you see why this is important?"

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

New Immigration Policy Proposed: "Forget the Alamo!"

The President of the United States of Dysfunction announced today that his country should go back to the borders of 1848 with Mexico as a starting point in negotiations for Comprehensive Immigration Reform. He stated that it was "only fair for America to do what it was asking Israel to do with the Palestinians." The Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Jusgotscruhud, vigorously voiced his disapproval of both policies but managed to give the President a backhanded compliment, "It is nice to see that the President is willing to screw over his own people to the same degree he is the people of Israel. I think it is, if nothing else, philosophically consistent on his part, an equal application of of very bad policy if you will. Let's just say that I respectfully disagree."

Apparently the Prime Minister was not alone as the illegal immigrant's right group Las Racistas protested such a move as harmful to immigrants because crossing the Mississippi is a "helluva of lot harder to cross than the Rio Grande," one member said. "Why would we want to expand the hell hole that is called Mexico into California, Texas, and Arizona? Why is the President making us have to go so far to get out of this place? That is way too far to go." This opposition from illegal immigrant right's groups caught the Casa Blanca staff off guard, as the Press Spokesman claimed it was only a starting point for negotiations "in a spirit of fairness."

"Like the President's policy with Israel, this is only meant to be a starting point for negotiations intended to give more leverage to the side which lost an unjust war in the past. Our war with Mexico was imperialistic in nature and we intend to make amends to the Mexican people with this new legislation for immigration reform," said Casa Blanca Press Secretary Pancho Villa III.

When asked what the legislation would be called Pancho smiled and raised his fist in the air: "Forget the Alamo!"

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

New "Statue of Entitlement" to be Erected in Illinois

Governor Pat McShameluss of the formerly great state of Illinois, declared today that he would make good on his paradoxical 2% spending increase in a year that his state hovered near bankruptcy by "investing" in great public works. His first project would erect a new American Colossus that would exceed the Statue of Liberty in size, grandeur and cost.

"Our next great public works project will be an ode to the entitlement culture that has successfully extracted so much over the years while accomplishing so very little. The only product this culture is capable of producing is political power. I mean, look at me, I only won a couple of counties and here I am today in the governor's mansion. It is with this in mind and with great humility that I think it appropriate to erect this monument to entitlement in Crook County. This great Statue of Entitlement will outweigh the Statue of Liberty by several thousand metric tons and represents a bold, new hope for those who want to do as little as possible and still live the American Dream on the sweat equity of tax payers from the private sector. It is also our way of saying bring me your tired, your poor, your AWOL legislators and deadbeat teachers, your union goons. We have a home for you in Illinois."

When asked how he managed to fund such a project for a state that was actually much worse off than Indiana (one of the few states in the union in the black) and even Wisconsin, the Governor smiled furtively and gestured at the mock up of the 'Statue of Entitlement'. "See how big she is?! We've got numbers and our Tax Payers are too busy working the fields to know any better. Don't worry we treat them nice enough and they are very docile. You see, I stuck them with the bill when I raised their taxes 67% this year in the middle of the night during the Holidays. Nary a peep out of them! And here's the other little secret I'm trying to teach my fugitive colleagues from Wisconsin and Indiana. Elections do have consequences... except when we lose. That, my friends, is how we do business in Illinois."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Everyone Needs to Sacrifice...Except Us

In a Wisconsin forum for civil discourse on the subject of the Wisconsin state budget crisis representatives from the Public Sector Union and People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers gathered to debate the issue.

Steve Morahn, union boss and lawyer for the Public Sector Union of Deadbeat Teachers and Social Services stated that his people deserve better than their private sector counterparts. "We should be able to retire before anyone else... you know, retire at 55 and suck on that big fat pension teat for another 30-35 years during which we provide no goods or service to anyone in the state. I mean, come on... if that's not worth striking for I don't know what is?!"

A representative for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers responded to Morahn with some economic data. "Unfortunately, Mr. Morahn we cannot sustain the model you described and heres why: the state of Wisconsin spends 32 billion per year or $5,714 per person in a state where the per capita income is $25,000 per year. The people of Wisconsin spend 20% of their income on state government, another 20% goes to the federal government and then the local yokels get their 2-3%. All told that leaves the average working stiff with maybe, $15,000 for their families after their public sector mugging."

Morahn wondered at loud how our country survived when we paid only 10% to Caesar. "We refuse to go back... at least not without a fight. I mean the audacity to ask us pay a little more for our Health Care, to contribute to our own retirements. I mean, are you kidding me? What do we look like? Private sector stiffs?! You can see what is at stake for us by those numbers you quoted. Everyone else needs to sacrifice right now. Not us."

Thursday, February 17, 2011

White House Proposes "We-Say-What's-Fair Doctrine"

The White House announced today that it would seek regulation of the air ways in an effort to facilitate "civil discourse" and "more balanced content" in radio and TV broadcasts. The new press secretary, Ron Heebahobba stated that the President thought it wasn't fair that conservative talk radio and Faux news were more commercially viable than Smear America (a failed left-wing talk radio) and didn't require tax payer funding like National Liberal Radio in order to survive.

"The President thinks that the American consumer does not know what is good for them or fair. So it is in their best interest for the president to mandate fairness on the airways in the same spirit that he has mandated health care. Just like Health Care Deform, unelected bureaucrats will be in charge of what is "fair" and "balanced," commented Heebahobba.

When asked about the name of the new regulation the new Press Secretary laughed and said, "We were going to package this initiative with the First Lady's anti-obesity campaign and call it the 'Shut up Conservatives and Eat Your Vegetables Campaign' but opted instead for the 'We Say What's Fair Doctrine'.
In the tradition of his predecessor, Heebahobba found himself to be the only one laughing at his joke. "Come on, now," he offered, nervously clearing his throat, "We knew that name wouldn't be very palatable... so we changed it to Fairness. Okay? Everyone wants to be fair right?"

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Of Quantitative Sleazing and Greased Pigs

The White House announced today that creating money out of thin air will buy them time to figure out what to do with the economy. "Rather than addressing the behaviors that created this crisis we thought it made more sense politically to play a little kick the can," commented Chairman of the Dred, Ben Piedpiper. "The quickest way to pick up exports and shrink your debt is to fire up the printing press and devalue your currency."

When asked if such a move could spark inflation, the unflappable and exquisitely bearded Piedpiper would only comment that his team was "keeping an eye on the situation".
To celebrate the occasion the White House hosted the First Annual Quantitative Sleazing Party which opened with a ceremonial call from the Chairman of the Dred: "Gentlemen, start your printing presses!" Festivities included bi-partisan games of Kick the Can and Catch the Greased Pig, both of which involved Republicants chasing the can which was always gleefully kicked further down the road by Demonicrats who were being cheered on by the Ogres of Health Care Deform and other Unfunded Liabilities. The Greased Pig's name was Inflation and it became clear that he was uncatchable once released from the pin. Both the Republicants and Demonicrats gave up immediately and began blaming one another (but only when there was a camera around).

Happily, Inflation was finally returned unharmed to her pen by a nefarious crew of political outsiders. They called themselves the Budget Slashers and claimed to be armed only with common sense and backed by the Gold Standard.