Thursday, October 21, 2010

National Prussian Radio Fires Journalist for Admitting He Has An Irrational Fear of Mimes

Spokeswoman for tax payer supported National Prussian Radio, Olga Von Phallisenvy, announced today that the news organization terminated the contract of their only journalist of any substance whatsoever, for admitting that he has an irrational fear of "openly practicing" mimes.

"It just freaks me out," the journalist commented while on a rival news network with an actual viewership that extends beyond friends and relatives. "I find them totally creepy and feel particularly threatened by them in confined spaces like airplanes... they also seem to innately sense my discomfort and have a tendency to direct their miming activities toward me. I know there are good, devout mimes out there but I still get a little panicked anytime I see one."

Ms. Phallisenvy cited that the disgraced journalist violated journalistic ethics by subjecting the audience to an opinion that a majority of NPR viewers did not share. "Juan Veritas no longer meets the standards of our organization. His comments were bigoted and targeted an oppressed minority unable to verbally defend themselves from his hate speech."

In a touching show of solidarity, John Wierdow, PhD and Professor Emeritus from the Harvard School of Mimes, attended the press conference with Ms. Phallysenvy. When asked if he had a response to Juan Veritas comments the mime had nothing to say, offering only a rather sheepish one-fingered salute.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

President's Approval Rating Soars Amongst Self-Described "Deadbeats"

Despite a consistent trend of sliding poll numbers among "likely voters", a cautiously optimistic White House cited a new poll conducted by Rasputin that showed the president's popularity is growing amongst an emerging class of people who described themselves as "deadbeats" and/or "losers".

"This is an important demographic for us," commented Demonicrat strategist James Crassville on a Sunday morning talk show that a few of his family members may have been watching. "With unemployment making a run to 10% there is an emerging, often unaccounted for group of people who are not included in these numbers. It is people who have either given up looking for work, don't want to work, or who have never worked despite being of able mind and body. The president enjoys a commanding 98% approval rating in this group."

When asked whether this emerging demographic could be counted on coming out in the upcoming elections Crassville was guardedly optimistic. "All this Tea Party talk about accountability, responsibility and reigning in government spending has really scared this particular group of the President's supporters. They are terrified at the prospects of having to do something with their lives... much less having to go out and find a job. A group of concerned lawyers from NYU have helped them form the new "Something for Nothing" PAC. The Center for American Regress is providing financial support and get out to vote campaigns to get this thing going."

In related news... Drug addicts, convicted felons, illegal aliens, pedophiles and mouth breathers also overwhelmingly supported the President and his policies in the same Rasputin poll.