Monday, December 27, 2010

White House: Let's Talk Football!

So with oil prices climbing above 90 dollars a barrel; North and South Korea playing "chicken" with artillery shells; and terrorists threatening the free world over the Christmas holiday; the White House announced today that the President is pleased that the Philadelphia Eagles have given Michael Vick a "second chance" to play quarterback in the National Football League. Dodge Barker, White House spokesman, expressed that the President has been monitoring the Vick situation "very closely" and that he consulted advisors and gave the matter "great thought" before calling the Eagles organization to laude them for their efforts in letting the best player on their team play quarterback and help their team win games. "This is a matter of grave social significance because it provides hope for convicted felons everywhere who also happen to be elite, once in a generation type of athletes. The President was profoundly moved by this story and believes it speaks volumes for the qualities that make our country great," the Press Secretary commented in response to a question from the press on the ramifications of looming state budget crises in California and Illinois on the national economy in 2011.

Barker went on to cite examples in which the President has given "second chances" to people within his own administration despite previous brushes with the law. "Our own Secretary of the Treasury, Keebler Elfman, neglected to pay taxes some time ago and now he is in charge of the IRS and the Department of Treasury. We are no stranger to irony here at the White House," commented the Press Secretary, who himself hailed from rather humble origins, having twice flunked out of clown school before latching on with the President during his community organizer days in Chicago.

One unnamed source close to the White House clown school dropout revealed that the Oval Office likes to redirect public discourse to social issues when confronted with international or economic crises that may require actual leadership. The situation became even more dire, commented the source, when White House counsel informed the President that the statute of limitations for blaming the previous administration for such matters had run out. The source was brought in as an advisor for the "Beer Summit" in which our fearless Commander-In-Chief intervened on a local police matter in the midst of a looming world economic crisis.

"Social issues," the nervous source cited, "are kind of like his binky... he will always go there and attempt to make political hay whether the sun is shining or not... can't say I blame him... he doesn't really know anything about any of that other stuff. I mean, look at his resume. Can you really blame him?"

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Republicants and Demonicrats Host Bi-Partisan Pillowfight

In a rare show of political unity, incoming Republicant speaker John-Boy Bohner (pronounced BO-NUR) and outgoing Demonicrat speaker Nona Pazza agreed to host the first annual, bi-partisan changing of the guard pillow fight.

"Before the gavel exchanged hands, we thought it might be fun to get in a few shots on our way out," stated a positively glowing outgoing speaker. "We just ask that our Republicant colleagues allow us to take the first shot."

"This is a way for us to show the American people that we are not afraid to get together with our Demonicrat colleagues and have some good ol' fashion fun," commented a rather freshly bronzed Bohner.

The ceremony started in grand, if somewhat solemn manner, as the stoic faced Republicants marched in step on their way to face their Demonicrat colleagues, most of whom had been seen taking pillow "batting practice" in the days before the ceremony. However, a few Demonicrats were penalized for a false start penalty, after pegging their Republicant colleagues before the conclusion of the Star Spangled Banner. Order was restored and the Demonicrats were penalized an additional 5 seats in the House. The Republicants were soundly whalloped on cue after the pledge of allegiance but the Demonicrats opted to "go for it" on fourth down, taking advantage of a woozy opponent. The outgoing speaker faked handing the gavel over to a dumbfounded Bohnur and scampered down the main aisle, escorted by a rather burly crew of Progressive Democrats who had cleared a path by mowing down conservative Demonicrats and Republicants along the way. Fortunately the day was saved for the Republicants when the outgoing speaker slipped on a discarded copy of the Constitution that had been lying inconspicuouly in the middle of the aisle. The outgoing Speaker lost control of the gavel on her way down, fumbling away the gavel before her knee touched the ground. This provided the only opening the madly pursuing Republicants needed and they recovered the gavel.
The Republicants were so enthralled with their new found toy that they completely forgot about returning the favor to their Demonicrat colleagues. Bohner wasted no time and quickly found a crew of Washington political paparazzi. The new Speaker managed to strike a Heisman pose with the oversized gavel and flashed his pearly whites. An aid later admitted that the new Speaker had been practicing the pose in between tanning sessions after the November elections.

"We almost pulled it off," commented a resigned but proud outgoing Speaker. "You know, it wasn't the Republicants who stopped us... those clowns could screw up a wet dream. Really, we had it made if it wasn't for that damn Constitution. The damn Constitution. I mean, what the hell is a copy of the Constitution doing in the Halls of Congress?!"