Sunday, August 15, 2010

Washington Launches New Department of Prosperity Prevention

Under intense political pressure from the far left, the White House agreed to take on the people it deemed "least affected by the recession"-- those fortunate and privileged citizens who make $250,000 a year. The goal, according to White House spokesman Dodge Barker, is to encourage young and emerging capitalists to set their sights lower, to be happy with less, to exploit fewer people by not expanding their businesses and hiring more workers."
The administration is striving for ways to "soften the blow" of the soon to expire Babushka tax cuts which they say will only affect those obnoxiously rich bastards that make over $250,000 a year. "We feel that is one way that we can expand the middle class," surmised Secretary of the Treasury Keebler Elfman, "by bringing the filthy rich down to more appropriate, middle class levels of income. We will offer these emerging entrepreneurs the option to forsake their $250,000 a year jobs to work for the new Department of Prosperity Prevention where they will pull down $100,000 a year but can retire at 55 while pulling in $70,000 a year in government pension. If you do the math, it really is a better deal over the long haul." Unemployed census workers would provide "boots on the ground" and the new agency would work closely with the Internal Pillaging Service.

When asked how the administration would account for the tax revenue shortfall that would result from such a large migration to lower tax brackets, Elfman, after an uncomfortably long pause, asked "Uhm,... how 'bout them Yankees?"

Dodge Barker took over the microphone and commented that the new Health Care Deform Legislation would provide "new revenue streams" by imposing draconian taxes on employers who had the audacity to offer their employees "cadillac" health plans that were "unfairly superior" to the plan offered by the government. When asked to provide more rationale on why evil, rich employers would be punished for providing superior health care to their employees Dodge laughed it off saying, "Besides, nobody likes a show-off."

In related news, the Language Czar announced that it is possible for the word "up" to be defined as "down" and vice versa. Additionally, the Math Czar proclaimed that one plus one could equal 3 under "appropriate economic conditions".