White House: Let's Talk Football!

So with oil prices climbing above 90 dollars a barrel; North and South Korea playing "chicken" with artillery shells; and terrorists threatening the free world over the Christmas holiday; the White House announced today that the President is pleased that the Philadelphia Eagles have given Michael Vick a "second chance" to play quarterback in the National Football League. Dodge Barker, White House spokesman, expressed that the President has been monitoring the Vick situation "very closely" and that he consulted advisors and gave the matter "great thought" before calling the Eagles organization to laude them for their efforts in letting the best player on their team play quarterback and help their team win games. "This is a matter of grave social significance because it provides hope for convicted felons everywhere who also happen to be elite, once in a generation type of athletes. The President was profoundly moved by this story and believes it speaks volumes for the qualities that make our country great," the Press Secretary commented in response to a question from the press on the ramifications of looming state budget crises in California and Illinois on the national economy in 2011.

Barker went on to cite examples in which the President has given "second chances" to people within his own administration despite previous brushes with the law. "Our own Secretary of the Treasury, Keebler Elfman, neglected to pay taxes some time ago and now he is in charge of the IRS and the Department of Treasury. We are no stranger to irony here at the White House," commented the Press Secretary, who himself hailed from rather humble origins, having twice flunked out of clown school before latching on with the President during his community organizer days in Chicago.

One unnamed source close to the White House clown school dropout revealed that the Oval Office likes to redirect public discourse to social issues when confronted with international or economic crises that may require actual leadership. The situation became even more dire, commented the source, when White House counsel informed the President that the statute of limitations for blaming the previous administration for such matters had run out. The source was brought in as an advisor for the "Beer Summit" in which our fearless Commander-In-Chief intervened on a local police matter in the midst of a looming world economic crisis.

"Social issues," the nervous source cited, "are kind of like his binky... he will always go there and attempt to make political hay whether the sun is shining or not... can't say I blame him... he doesn't really know anything about any of that other stuff. I mean, look at his resume. Can you really blame him?"