New Immigration Policy Proposed: "Forget the Alamo!"

The President of the United States of Dysfunction announced today that his country should go back to the borders of 1848 with Mexico as a starting point in negotiations for Comprehensive Immigration Reform. He stated that it was "only fair for America to do what it was asking Israel to do with the Palestinians." The Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Jusgotscruhud, vigorously voiced his disapproval of both policies but managed to give the President a backhanded compliment, "It is nice to see that the President is willing to screw over his own people to the same degree he is the people of Israel. I think it is, if nothing else, philosophically consistent on his part, an equal application of of very bad policy if you will. Let's just say that I respectfully disagree."

Apparently the Prime Minister was not alone as the illegal immigrant's right group Las Racistas protested such a move as harmful to immigrants because crossing the Mississippi is a "helluva of lot harder to cross than the Rio Grande," one member said. "Why would we want to expand the hell hole that is called Mexico into California, Texas, and Arizona? Why is the President making us have to go so far to get out of this place? That is way too far to go." This opposition from illegal immigrant right's groups caught the Casa Blanca staff off guard, as the Press Spokesman claimed it was only a starting point for negotiations "in a spirit of fairness."

"Like the President's policy with Israel, this is only meant to be a starting point for negotiations intended to give more leverage to the side which lost an unjust war in the past. Our war with Mexico was imperialistic in nature and we intend to make amends to the Mexican people with this new legislation for immigration reform," said Casa Blanca Press Secretary Pancho Villa III.

When asked what the legislation would be called Pancho smiled and raised his fist in the air: "Forget the Alamo!"

New "Statue of Entitlement" to be Erected in Illinois

Governor Pat McShameluss of the formerly great state of Illinois, declared today that he would make good on his paradoxical 2% spending increase in a year that his state hovered near bankruptcy by "investing" in great public works. His first project would erect a new American Colossus that would exceed the Statue of Liberty in size, grandeur and cost.

"Our next great public works project will be an ode to the entitlement culture that has successfully extracted so much over the years while accomplishing so very little. The only product this culture is capable of producing is political power. I mean, look at me, I only won a couple of counties and here I am today in the governor's mansion. It is with this in mind and with great humility that I think it appropriate to erect this monument to entitlement in Crook County. This great Statue of Entitlement will outweigh the Statue of Liberty by several thousand metric tons and represents a bold, new hope for those who want to do as little as possible and still live the American Dream on the sweat equity of tax payers from the private sector. It is also our way of saying bring me your tired, your poor, your AWOL legislators and deadbeat teachers, your union goons. We have a home for you in Illinois."

When asked how he managed to fund such a project for a state that was actually much worse off than Indiana (one of the few states in the union in the black) and even Wisconsin, the Governor smiled furtively and gestured at the mock up of the 'Statue of Entitlement'. "See how big she is?! We've got numbers and our Tax Payers are too busy working the fields to know any better. Don't worry we treat them nice enough and they are very docile. You see, I stuck them with the bill when I raised their taxes 67% this year in the middle of the night during the Holidays. Nary a peep out of them! And here's the other little secret I'm trying to teach my fugitive colleagues from Wisconsin and Indiana. Elections do have consequences... except when we lose. That, my friends, is how we do business in Illinois."

Everyone Needs to Sacrifice...Except Us

In a Wisconsin forum for civil discourse on the subject of the Wisconsin state budget crisis representatives from the Public Sector Union and People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers gathered to debate the issue.

Steve Morahn, union boss and lawyer for the Public Sector Union of Deadbeat Teachers and Social Services stated that his people deserve better than their private sector counterparts. "We should be able to retire before anyone else... you know, retire at 55 and suck on that big fat pension teat for another 30-35 years during which we provide no goods or service to anyone in the state. I mean, come on... if that's not worth striking for I don't know what is?!"

A representative for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers responded to Morahn with some economic data. "Unfortunately, Mr. Morahn we cannot sustain the model you described and heres why: the state of Wisconsin spends 32 billion per year or $5,714 per person in a state where the per capita income is $25,000 per year. The people of Wisconsin spend 20% of their income on state government, another 20% goes to the federal government and then the local yokels get their 2-3%. All told that leaves the average working stiff with maybe, $15,000 for their families after their public sector mugging."

Morahn wondered at loud how our country survived when we paid only 10% to Caesar. "We refuse to go back... at least not without a fight. I mean the audacity to ask us pay a little more for our Health Care, to contribute to our own retirements. I mean, are you kidding me? What do we look like? Private sector stiffs?! You can see what is at stake for us by those numbers you quoted. Everyone else needs to sacrifice right now. Not us."

White House Proposes "We-Say-What's-Fair Doctrine"

The White House announced today that it would seek regulation of the air ways in an effort to facilitate "civil discourse" and "more balanced content" in radio and TV broadcasts. The new press secretary, Ron Heebahobba stated that the President thought it wasn't fair that conservative talk radio and Faux news were more commercially viable than Smear America (a failed left-wing talk radio) and didn't require tax payer funding like National Liberal Radio in order to survive.

"The President thinks that the American consumer does not know what is good for them or fair. So it is in their best interest for the president to mandate fairness on the airways in the same spirit that he has mandated health care. Just like Health Care Deform, unelected bureaucrats will be in charge of what is "fair" and "balanced," commented Heebahobba.

When asked about the name of the new regulation the new Press Secretary laughed and said, "We were going to package this initiative with the First Lady's anti-obesity campaign and call it the 'Shut up Conservatives and Eat Your Vegetables Campaign' but opted instead for the 'We Say What's Fair Doctrine'.

In the tradition of his predecessor, Heebahobba found himself to be the only one laughing at his joke. "Come on, now," he offered, nervously clearing his throat, "We knew that name wouldn't be very palatable... so we changed it to Fairness. Okay? Everyone wants to be fair right?"

Of Quantitative Sleazing and Greased Pigs

The White House announced today that creating money out of thin air will buy them time to figure out what to do with the economy. "Rather than addressing the behaviors that created this crisis we thought it made more sense politically to play a little kick the can," commented Chairman of the Dred, Ben Piedpiper. "The quickest way to pick up exports and shrink your debt is to fire up the printing press and devalue your currency."

When asked if such a move could spark inflation, the unflappable and exquisitely bearded Piedpiper would only comment that his team was "keeping an eye on the situation".

To celebrate the occasion the White House hosted the First Annual Quantitative Sleazing Party which opened with a ceremonial call from the Chairman of the Dred: "Gentlemen, start your printing presses!" Festivities included bi-partisan games of Kick the Can and Catch the Greased Pig, both of which involved Republicants chasing the can which was always gleefully kicked further down the road by Demonicrats who were being cheered on by the Ogres of Health Care Deform and other Unfunded Liabilities. The Greased Pig's name was Inflation and it became clear that he was uncatchable once released from the pin. Both the Republicants and Demonicrats gave up immediately and began blaming one another (but only when there was a camera around).

Happily, Inflation was finally returned unharmed to her pen by a nefarious crew of political outsiders. They called themselves the Budget Slashers and claimed to be armed only with common sense and backed by the Gold Standard.

San Francisco Judge Finds Inanimate Object Guilty of "Hate Crime"

San Francisco judge, the Honorable Nerf Dogoodily, made legal history today when he found an inanimate object-- a Colt .45-- guilty of a hate crime. A jilted lover of a gay porn star claimed that the gun was evil and had goaded him to murder his ex-lover. "The gun made me do it, Your Honor... and I always had this thing for Charlton Heston which made me want to have a gun. I had to get a gun and when I did this gun started speaking to me, goading me every day to do the crime. Everybody knows that guns are evil but I guess I've always been attracted to the bad boy type."

The teary eyed murderer went on to claim that it got so bad under the spell of the gun that he joined the NRA and started watching Faux News. A sympathetic judge ordered the man to seek counseling but sentenced the Colt .45 to be melted down and the proceeds to be donated to the National "Guns are Evil Coalition".

"We can all rest our heads much easier tonight, knowing that there is one less gun out there on the streets," the Honorable Nerf Dogoodily concluded with a rather tepid tap of his gavel which made him flinch none the less.

"With this legislative victory," crowed the coalition founder, Wayne Schtuphead, "we are going to expand our focus to other n'er-do-well inanimate objects like pencils that are guilty of misspelling words and Oprah's fork which we know for a fact is contributing to her inability to control her eating habits. Our goal is to have all of these evil objects banned for the good of society."

In related news: The Justice Department is "seriously" looking into banning the use of "crosshairs" which Attorney General Eric Doper described as a "hate symbol" quite capable of influencing otherwise law-abiding citizens to acts of violence.

White House: Let's Talk Football!

So with oil prices climbing above 90 dollars a barrel; North and South Korea playing "chicken" with artillery shells; and terrorists threatening the free world over the Christmas holiday; the White House announced today that the President is pleased that the Philadelphia Eagles have given Michael Vick a "second chance" to play quarterback in the National Football League. Dodge Barker, White House spokesman, expressed that the President has been monitoring the Vick situation "very closely" and that he consulted advisors and gave the matter "great thought" before calling the Eagles organization to laude them for their efforts in letting the best player on their team play quarterback and help their team win games. "This is a matter of grave social significance because it provides hope for convicted felons everywhere who also happen to be elite, once in a generation type of athletes. The President was profoundly moved by this story and believes it speaks volumes for the qualities that make our country great," the Press Secretary commented in response to a question from the press on the ramifications of looming state budget crises in California and Illinois on the national economy in 2011.

Barker went on to cite examples in which the President has given "second chances" to people within his own administration despite previous brushes with the law. "Our own Secretary of the Treasury, Keebler Elfman, neglected to pay taxes some time ago and now he is in charge of the IRS and the Department of Treasury. We are no stranger to irony here at the White House," commented the Press Secretary, who himself hailed from rather humble origins, having twice flunked out of clown school before latching on with the President during his community organizer days in Chicago.

One unnamed source close to the White House clown school dropout revealed that the Oval Office likes to redirect public discourse to social issues when confronted with international or economic crises that may require actual leadership. The situation became even more dire, commented the source, when White House counsel informed the President that the statute of limitations for blaming the previous administration for such matters had run out. The source was brought in as an advisor for the "Beer Summit" in which our fearless Commander-In-Chief intervened on a local police matter in the midst of a looming world economic crisis.

"Social issues," the nervous source cited, "are kind of like his binky... he will always go there and attempt to make political hay whether the sun is shining or not... can't say I blame him... he doesn't really know anything about any of that other stuff. I mean, look at his resume. Can you really blame him?"